Sara's Scripts

Not my bed.

2008-08-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

It feels wrong. I don't like my bed anymore. I've slept in it for 11 years now, the same bed. It just doesn't feel like its mine anymore.

For the past 3 weeks I've been avoiding sleeping in my room even. All of a sudden, I don't feel comfortable anymore. I'd rather sleep on the sofa outside. And was happy when my family was away, cuz then I had the choice of at least 4 other beds. But I didn't sleep in mine.

It just feels totally wrong. I should be with A. Sleeping in his (our) bed that's so far away. That's where I belong. Next to him.

And its not just my poor bed that's feeling all wrong. Everything here feels wrong. My desk at the office feels temporary. My car. My house. The cats. I feel out of place.

I'm missing my hubby. Yeah we talk... all day everyday. Bas its the small things that I really miss. His smile when he looks at me, and makes me feel like the most important person in the world. His lingering touch, which speaks a language far far beyond that of words and says so much.

I'm almost home. Two months to go.

Please God, give me the strength and patience to get through this. Its not easy, but I will do my best, and hope time flies. For once.

Pure torture...

2008-07-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Nothing but pure torture is what it feels like after A left... I cry. Alot. I cried in his arms the night before he left. I cried after dropping him off at the airport. I automatically get a lump in my throat just thinking about him, and it takes alot not to break down. I get tear-eyed at work whenever anybody asks about him. I couldn't help shed a tear or two after happily explaining to a good friend how lucky I am to have found him. I'm constantly having "shut-downs", as he calls them. Times when I don't want to utter one word cuz its so painful, so my usual reaction is to push him away. But 7abeeby, he helps me through them. Not once did he give up on me, and let me go off to curl in bed and cry like I so want to do. Everytime, he's patient enough to get me to smile and laugh again. He's amazing.

Today, altogether, I think we talked about 5 hours. And it wasn't enough. It was tearing me up inside to let him go. It just wasn't enough. Its never enough.

I miss him. I miss him being close enough to look at his beautiful face, and touch that adorable dimple he has on his right cheek. I miss his hands as they always seemed to find mine. No matter where we were, or what we were doing, we were constantly touching. Even as we ate, I'd loop my pinkie into his... Or rub my legs against his. I miss his butterfly kisses on my face (and everywhere else). I miss his whispers in my ear, sweet nothings that meant the world to me. I miss his hand on the small of my back, and never fails to tell me how amazing he finds it. I miss how he made me laugh. Gosh, we laughed so much. I miss how I could be able to see the love in his eyes. I didn't need words to be reassured that I am his everything, just one look from him was enough. I miss the tender kisses he would give to the palm of my hand, that automatically triggered so much emotion all through my body. I miss his smile, that would lighten up the whole world. I miss our hugs. I miss his arms around me. I miss the way he moved his hand up and down my back, and how I wanted to just sleep in his arms forever. I miss his breath on my neck and how whenever he tried kissing me there, I'd burst out in laughter cuz I'm so ticklish. I miss the brief moments we slept next to each other, and I mostly miss waking up to him reaching out for me. I never thought loving someone would be so good...

And yet, I never thought loving someone would be so painful.

7ayaty... I miss you more than ever. I love you till forever...

Married!!! :-)

2008-07-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday, sunset, on the Nile, with everyone that matters, A and I had our Katb Ketab!!!

Our sunset... Amazing!!!

It was all so crazy. He arrived on Friday. Saturday we met for the first time, but everything came naturally. For the whole week we were inseperable. He saw my dad Sunday. Tuesday his family came over. And then Saturday we had decided to forever be bound... It was the most beautiful moment I have experienced... Letting everybody that matters know that this is the man I love and will be with the rest of my life ISA.

Officially together...

Everything went smoothly. My whole family loves him. I adore him. And we have been living heaven since then! We spent days together, just in disbelief that this was actually real.... The greatest part: he really is real. He really loves me. And we're both really very happy. Its amazing how happy a person can be. I never imagined that I'd find someone that would complement me as much as he.

7ayaty.... I love you.

S&A: Take 2...

2008-06-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

He didn't make it to Cairo. It was so close. We were about to be together for now on till forever after... but it didn't happen. But its okay. I tried to take it like a man for about a week, until I finally folded and cried my eyes out. I was just disappointed and had a huge sense of self pity. It hurt every time I thought about the fact that had it worked out, he would have been there with me then....

So anyhow, HE'S COMING THIS FRIDAY!!!! Yes... It didn't work last time, but this time we are both definitely happy and excited that we're finally going to be together... It felt like such a long time that we've been dreaming about this moment. And yes, the count down has begun again. And yes, I'm falling for him more than ever before.

Time to make myself beautiful AGAIN!

More updates soon.
S

Please please please

2008-06-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

turn my grief to grace...

Sexy thaaang.... ;-)

2008-06-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

48 hours.

That's it. He'll be here in 48 hours. I'll see him in 48 hours. I'm feeling very comfortable about this whole thing. I left the office at 8pm today.. after handing over everything that was still sitting on my desk pending what-ever-or-the-other... Now, I just need to finalize a few reports at home, and send it over by email whenever.

All I need to do now is focus on myself. I need to make myself BEAUTIFUL! (I'm already pretty good looking, bas a few touches here and there would be nice!) So, tomorrow, I'm going to do all the girly stuff I need to do. AND pick out a really sexy looking outfit to meet him with the very first time...

Still loads of plans need to be made... but I'm sure we'll work things out okay when he gets here.

I just want him here.

Please God, make time fly till he gets here, and slow it down when he's here. Two weeks seem like such a short time!

Almost Time...

2008-05-28T10:46:00.001-07:00

Its the final count down. In exactly 10 days, my man will be here... I'm so excited... The thought that's keeping me smiling all day is that my man is travelling ALL the way here just to see me. Just to love me. He's coming all this way for ME.

I've already taken time off the whole two weeks he's here. Everybody is so excited. Plans are all over the place. Still trying to decide what it is exactly that we will be doing when he's here... bas so far, I think we're doing a good job. The CUTEST thing ever: we have a shared calender!

The more I talk to him, the harder it gets to let him go. I just want to learn everything about him... I want to tell him all there is to tell...

It's almost time. And its going to be beautiful.

:-D

2008-05-02T06:16:00.000-07:00

Things are still going strong. The more I talk to him, the more I fall for him. I need him here. I need to see him, to touch him, to believe he is actually real. I never thought I'd fall for someone like this before. He makes me smile, a smile that lasts for hours even after we hang up.

Am I falling too soon? Is it wrong to get so attached to someone like that without even seeing them?

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO MANAGE THROUGH THOSE MONTHS AFTER HE LEAVES? He's coming down in a month. Booked his ticket. So, in a month's time, I'll finally meet the person who managed to sweep me off my feet. I worry sometimes. That he'll change his mind about me when he sees me. Or that we find that we rushed into things walla 7aga. I dunno. I feel awesome, and comfortable, and everything... and I'm sure none of that will change.

Although I'll miss my family a whole lot, I can't wait to finally be with him. He really is such a caring person. I don't think I've ever been so loved. He doesn't use the word "love" often. But when he does, its so much more special. And its not ust hearing that he "L"s me, bas I feel loved. He is seriously awesome.

And I know marriage has its ups and downs, but I'm quite ready for the downs, and I know that we'll work things through together. Neither of us are "nikadiyeen", and would rather have a happy conversation. I have my dark moments, but he has so far managed to get me through them.

When it rains, it pours...

2008-04-13T05:06:00.000-07:00

Blessings seem to come in huge packages these days. I am so in love. I am so happy. And so absolutely amazed at my life...

And then, something happened that makes me stop and think about what I really want to do. BIG choices that need alot of thinking, and communicating with a whole bunch of people to help me decide.

I have been asked to apply to a scholarship. I am being nominated through a huge institution. I am absolutely happy about the nomination. But. Timing couldn't be any more wrong... This was one of my biggest dreams... To continue my studies and become someone that will make a difference to this country. I wanted to get my masters degree in development, from one of the best universities in the field. And then come back to Egypt and really make a difference... And now I get that chance.

But that's not possible if I'm thinking now of getting married and moving AWAY from here.

What do I do?

I gotta talk to my hun, to my parents, to my grandpa, to my boss, to the person who nominated me, all within this week.

Somebody save me.

sigh ...

2008-04-13T02:10:00.000-07:00

I love him.

That is what I told him this morning. I've been wanting to say it out loud for the past few days, but only this morning was I able to tell him. He's amazing in every way.

We're house shopping! He finds places thru his realtor, and then sends me the link online. He found this amazing little place in the best location, and sent me so many pics. The more I see the place, the more I love it. Its bright, and beautiful, and is just a 3 minute walk from Barnes and Noble. Its perfect in every way. I don't want to get too attached, but I can't help it. The place is truly something else... it feels like home.

He feels like home. I dream of the day when we are finally together. Every so often, I find myself gazing into nothing thinking of him. I never ever thought I'd ever feel this way abuot anyone. Its amazing...

We're still trying to decide what we're going to do when he gets here. An engagement? A katb ketab? A 2erayet fat7a bas? If we have an engagement... will we have a huge party? just dinner with our closest family? If we have the katb ketab, will we have it at home? in one of the major mosques? in our local mosque? If that's the case, we need to get the shabka... and will he get it from there? or will we pick it out hena when he gets here?

I'm overwhelmed... but I'm happy. I'm planning to take time off when he's here... I'm thinking of all the wonderful things we could do...

I love him.

Spoke too soon... He loves me!

2008-03-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

This morning, I got up at 5 am to talk to HIM before he goes to bed, and before I have to leave for work. I was half asleep, but I think that was a good thing, cuz I shut up the whole time.

So, anyhow, back to the point. As we were talking, he said it. He used the "L" word.

He told me, "Sara, I love you". Just like that. And then he thankfully kept on talking...

My reaction: face went all red, suddenly became very hot, and started crying. (I didn't let him see my tears)

It was the sweetest thing in the world. At that point, I wanted to jump onto him, hug him and smother him with kissses. But. Gratefully, there's thousands of miles between us, and that saved me from being as shameless as I wanted to be.

I have such a good feeling about this. He hinted that he'll be coming in September, then August, then July... and then he asked whether I liked surprises! So, I have no idea when he's planning on coming. And I don't care. I'm enjoying this moment to the max. And if he comes tomorrow, I'm ready to hop on a plane and leave with him.

As I write this now, I still warm up to the memory. And I miss him.

I still haven't told him yet that I do. Love him. I'll wait for the right moment.

So far so good... :-)

2008-03-23T16:54:00.000-07:00

I miss him.

He's constantly on my mind... I'm slacking at work, but I don't mind much. I deserve a bit of a break. There isn't much work anyhow. My boss knows something's up. I'd like to tell him, but I'd rather wait until we both decide to tell the world. (*sigh* I can't wait)

He gives me tingles. And he doesn't even need to try... I love it when he sings to me... I love his cute little smses... Just today, this is the one I got: Doing grocery shopping... felt like saying that. I'm thinking about you... :-)

We still haven't used the L-word, but its definitely there and totally mutual. I feel it. I smile more. I find myself laughing thinking about things we said. I'm grinning almost all day. I dream of him. He's stuck in my head.

Its become so comfortable. I feel like I can be myself around him. And it feels so good...

The folks...

2008-03-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

It was one of the most grueling situations I've ever been. Yesterday, my parents and grandpa came home and sat me down to ask me one thousand, five hundred and eighty one questions... tab3an they asked just 10 maybe, but it felt like 1,581.

They asked to see his picture. They asked what I liked about him. They asked about his job and his background. They asked about where he lived (and giddo took the opportunity to frighten me out of my whits by telling me the crime rates compared to the major cities he's stayed in). They asked what car he drove. They asked how I felt about it (damn, that was the toughest.. imagine telling your folks how you FELT). They asked about his family. They asked about his plans. They asked about what he thought of me (like I would be able to answer that... honestly!).

The verdict:
1. The way I smiled while talking makes them feel comfortable that I seem to be happy.
2. All in all, he seems like a nice guy, and with an appropriate background.
3. They want me to be happy, and if this is what will make me happy then they're all for it.
4. I have to think very well about living abroad, and whether this is something I want to do.

*sigh*

They keep on teasing me ba2a... Everytime somebody finds me online, they give me these I-know-what-you're-doing looks... I just want to remember to cherish every moment I have with my family these coming months. And save up every penny. I want to do something special for him when I get there.. I don't know what yet.

But, I feel like I really want to do this. As I said before. This guy makes it so easy to put everything behind me and start my own life. And I feel so good about it.

I have fallen for him.

Stuck on YOU

2008-03-15T01:24:00.000-07:00

Last night was amazing. I talked to him for around 4 hours in total and it was just that. Amazing.

For the first time ever I feel like nothing else is as important as this. Nothing else comes close. For the first time, I feel like I can drop everything for the sole purpose of being with someone.

He sang to me.

For most part of the 4 hours we were using video call. The whole time I couldn't stop staring at him. I could hardly get myself to speak cuz I didn't want to say something stupid. He's so sweet. He told me alot about his life, and made me love it more.

Yes. I have fallen for him.

I feel so comfortable with all of this... I feel like I could really, truly and honestly be happy with this person. I want to make babies with this person (at least 6). I want to make breakfast and cook dinner for this person. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person.

I can't get the song out of my head. I can't get him out of my head.

I finally went to sleep at 4:45am this morning, and here I am, at 10:30 crying as I listen to the song...

My whole world is turning upsidedown, and I don't care.

I have fallen. And it feels amazing.

Proposed to... by the wrong guy...

2008-03-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

So... All is going well with HIM. He called me today and we talked for an hour, long distance, which is something... I love talking to him, and he's such a sweet heart. He even offered to do the dishes if I fold the clothes... and he offered to cook and help out in the house.. really adorable... and so CUTE... He wants to take me to the park!

Anyhow.. I'm getting ready for my nap 3ashan I am planning to get up in the middle of the night so that we could talk shiwaya online... and then I get a phone call from this very old friend of mine. He doesn't say hi, or 3mla eih, or anything... he tells me that he wants us to date for 4 months and then get married... I didn't know what to say, I was stuttering half the time. What was he thinking? I know he's had this thing for me since forever... but I seriously haven't been interested in ANYONE for the past 4 years... and now I do... have something for the babe in the USA who promises to help with the dishes... and to tell you the truth, even if I didn't have the dish-washing babe, I wouldn't have gone for it anyways... cuz we tried, so many times to get together and it JUST DIDN'T WORK... what makes him think it will ever work now...

Anyhow.. I tried to blame it on myself.. I didn't tell him about the dish-washing babe.. it would just break him... I told him that I haven't been interested in anyone for the past 4 years (100% truth), and that we've tried to get together for so many times, so what makes this time so special? We just never survived the first date, and we had around 20 first dates and never gotten beyond that. Seriously. And coming to think of it, he tried proposing last year too!

So, as I friend, I told him that we should have lunch together tomorrow. He told me that his offer still stands and that he'll ask for my answer tomorrow... I think I'll just let him down easy I guess...

Poor guy...

Poor me... :-S

I don't want him changing my mood! I was so happy just 30 minutes ago! I was thinking about the dish-washing babe!

This could be it.

2008-03-13T05:07:00.000-07:00

I'm on an adrenaline high.. Seriously, I'm all excited all day these days. And I think it has everything to do with HIM.

I feel comfortable... I want to share my whole world with him. I want to show him my crazy family, my colleagues, my office, my tiny car, my laptop... and most importantly my blog. I do. For the first time, I feel like sharing this blog with someone.

I feel like I'm losing control over myself and my feelings. But for the very first time, I don't care.

He says my name!!!! :-)

2008-03-07T16:16:00.001-08:00

I'm dying to go to sleep.. but I'm fighting the feeling for HIM. It all started out about a month ago. He's a friend of a friend, and we were casually introduced. We exchanged emails, phone numbers, and all that... and now we're talking. On a daily basis. I have come to a point where I refresh my email page every half hour or so to make sure I haven't missed any of his emails. I feel pathetic, but it feels good nevertheless.

He's older. Alot older. But doesn't look or act it. He's pretty good looking. He's amazingly sweet.. and always refers to me by name... I LOVE THAT. He's very independent, which is awesome, as lately the guys I've been introduced to have all been half in their parent's nest. But he's totally doing his own thing. I love his voice. I love how he says my name. I never realised that before. How I get so affected by someone just because they say my name.

The BIG problem. He's in the US. I won't see him till at least summertime! And right now, that feels like light years away... But that also means, that in the meantime, we'll be spending our salaries on phone bills, and spending time online every chance we get... that's not too bad, right?

For the first time in AGES, I actually feel good about something. I feel like this just might work out. He could be someone I could fall head over heels over. He's that type of person. And that's ALOT coming from a person who hasn't been attracted to anyone for the past 4 years!

I'm feeling all smitten. :-)

Totally NOT Star-struck....

2008-02-22T14:40:00.000-08:00

My long-lost-ex-crush-of-a-second-cousin is in town and INSISTED on seeing me. He called me earlier this week, trying to schedule an outing with him and his friends on Tuesday. I told him that I'd be away in Alex, and that I'd be back Thursday... So, he's like, khalas, let's make it Friday with his friends, as he's leaving Saturday.... I tried getting him to come to our Friday family gathering (he is family after all)... I really honestly didn't understand why he insisted on seeing me, or why he made sure his friends were there too...

So anyhow... I finish the family gathering and head out to see him. I go into the cafe and there he is with people I am seeing for the very first time: a couple HZ and his wife A, HT, and this hot dudette, and of course him. There were two spaces free... the chair next to him, or a space in the love seat next to the hot dudette. I attempted to sit next to him, while he insisted that I sit next to her... mish fahma leih ya3ni.. Anyhow, I take the seat, but I'm not comfortable.. Then the first chance he gets to whisper accross to me he asks whether I recognize her... and I'm like "no"... apparantly she's an actress... Tab3an, I hardly have enough time to sleep, let alone watch TV or go to the movies... So I don't know her...

ANYWAYS... I'm not star-struck... I'm not impressed... and I'm not anything at all.. I just felt awkward being there with his friends... Apparantly, they all know where I work and who I am... so they drill me with a whole bunch of Qs. I try as much as I can to answer... It just felt wierd being on the spot like that...

So its all small talk...till... his phone rings... and I turn to hear the wife A telling the hot dudette that it "starts like that, its nice that he likes to hang out with his friends, bas later it becomes annoying cuz he hardly gives you attention". It felt like the wife A was trying to give advice to the hot dudette... as if there was something between him and her!!!

I just wanted to die... Inside I was outraged... Thoughts like "did he get me here to gloat? was he already involved with her when he lead me on to think that he liked me? why in the world am I here? I wanna go home"... and suddenly, my mood totally changed... He was done with his phone call and I was itching to leave. I just wanted to get OUT.

Anyhow.. for my dignity's sake, I hung in there. I tried to not let this affect my mood, but he noticed... I blamed it on this annoying cold I have. I just answered to any Q directed my way and tried to just stay emotionless. I continued to talk with his friends... HZ, HT and A were nice enough. Courteous. And the hot dudette was just human. She was alright... I felt like she was a bit on the shallow side... but pretty... and was genuinely embarrassed when people looked her way, or when a kid came to take a picture with her.

I honestly don't know how I'm feeling. I'm confused about whether to hate him... or to try to be indifferent, which is impossible... Especially since he still opens up to me once in a while..

I just don't know...

Women are so emotional sometimes... and I am a woman.

2008-02-13T08:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I am so emotional these days. Well, yeah I do know, but I don't think its fair to blame everything on PMS.

Yesterday, out of the blue, at work, with colleagues all around, as I was talking about WORK, I start crying. I couldn't stop the flow of tears. I asked them to ignore and kept on talking about work, like as if nothing was happening. I think they must of thought that I'd gone mad (to tell you the truth, that's what I thought too). Then when it didn't stop, I fessed up that I was PMSing and asked them to act as if nothing was happening cuz that would only trigger more.

And then all this week, I've been working with this 40+ guy from Alex (they're really something else, those Alexandrians!). He kept calling me things like "7abibi", and "3asal", and other tacky names. I usually get disgusted (and insulted) by that sort of thing. But then, this week, I was actually falling for it. It was making me feel good... and I hated that!!!

I think its all this time I have to spend at the office! I hardly go home, just to eat and sleep. Even on weekends. Its ridiculous! I need a break.

PLUS: My car broke down, on the left lane of the CORNICHE! I just wanted to die! OR lock myself up in the car and cry... but I sucked it up! I took it like a man! But I did have 15+ guys around helping me! I love living here! Who needs car-tolling service?

Answering Fadfad's Q...

2008-01-30T06:15:00.000-08:00

This is a chinchilla. It looks like a mix between a rabbit and a guinea pig. Its pretty cute, and fluffy, but it bites. And it tries to jump out. So you have to keep a strong grip on its tail as seen above. LOL. Bas I'd rather have a cat!

:-)

Since I last blogged...

2008-01-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

1. I went to the US, specifically California, where I went shopping, to Disneyland, SeaWorld and Universal Studios... and had just plain fun with my big sister.

1.5 Went on Splash Mountain!!!! When I was there last, it was still being built!

2. Got broke. Trying to save up for a laptop and failing miserably.

3. Fell in love with a total babe, and snapped out of it. It was the real thing, the whole nine yards: cried, laughed, grinned like there's no tomorrow, and daydreamed for hours on end. He doesn't know it yet. And I'm not gonna tell him.

4. Had Ethiopian food :-)

5. Went to Luxor! Pics coming soon.

6. Encountered my very first Chinchilla. It bit me.

7. Started hating winter, although that used to be my very favorite time of year.

8. Had a birthday. Turning 25 sucked big time. But I'm getting used to it.

9. Realised that my life ain't that bad.

10. OOOHHH Yeah... I survived the California storms! How I got home on time is simply a miracle! El7amdlillah.

A day gone wrong... all wrong.

2007-11-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

I was in such a good mood yesterday, till this morning... I was actually driving better than I do most days!!! And all of that was ruined by a bunch of punks...

I left the house at 8:30, as I usually do, and drove the Cornish, as I usually do, and got stuck in traffic, bardo as I usually do. Traffic was moving at a pace of 3 meters an hour kedda, and I was in the middle lane, minding my own business, being indifferent to the traffic situation and hoping I make it to work on time.

So there I was minding my own business, when the car behind me starts honking like crazy. I look in the mirror and I find a guy in a one-two-eight, and then BAM. Apparently, the guy behind me was a good samaritan wanted to warn me that some idiots in the car next to him were about to do something drastic to get my attention. Plus I think he was telling them off for trying to do something as idiotic as this.

They bumped into me, only to get my attention. And why the hell would someone do that???? It makes me sick to my stomache to think that some people get thrills of doing something as disgusting as that! What? Are they so deprived of attention, that the only way they get girls to look at them is by bumping into their cars? And for what? To get a look of absolute disgust in return? They totally ruined my day.

Seriously. They left me close to tears. Of course, being me, I didn't stop and scream at them. I just gave them a look of disgust. I looked at each of them (3 guys in a flashy red car) hoping they would somehow feel ashamed. I veered away from them first chance I got and Istaghfart Rabby. I thanked the one-two-eight guy silently in my head and went to work upset that my mood was ruined. I soooo wanted to write about how happy I was earlier today.... but I just don't feel like it anymore. Maybe someday.

Reminiscing...

2007-11-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

I was innocently sitting at my desk at work when I suddenly started humming a silly old song I used to sing in middle school... "What do you do when you wanna do a poo?" Gosh... I remember we had a few hilarious songs! Seriously. Hilarious!

Going back in time, brace yourself Sara!!!

First off:
What do you do
when you wanna do a poo
in an English country garden...
You pull down your pants
and you fertilize the plants
in an English country garden!!!!
(NB: I can't believe we actually sang that!)

Second:
Jingle Bells,
Fatma smells,
Saeeda laid an egg...
hmmm... memory fails me now.. but yadda yadda yadda.. it goes on with names of my classmates. The original song was jingle bells, batman smells, robin laid an egg. bat mobile popped a wheel and the joker got away.

Third:
Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut last night...
Last night I found a peanut.. found a peanut last night...
(sung to the tune of "oh my darling, clementine")
The rest goes: cracked it open, it was rotten, ate it anyways, had a tummy ache, called the doctor, said I wouldn't die, died anyway, went to heaven, met saint peter, didn't like him, sent to hell, something something... born again... found a peanut)

Lastly: Anyone know the song that never ends?

Wow... I don't know why I grew up! I think I'd rather sit with my school friends and sing silly old songs...

She's gone....

2007-11-08T02:55:00.001-08:00

As I sat at work an extra fifteen minutes on Monday writing that last post, something major was keeping me from feeling good about all the things happening around me. When I wrote this: "but I feel like I'm missing out BIG TIME on the important things in life... like nursing my poor cat that had surgery 2 days ago"... I didn't really care about the cat. That was just me, attempting to turn something major into something funny.

Typical Sara.

I finished writing the post and left the office feeling really heavy... like as if I was dreading going home. I knew something was wrong... I actually knew something was wrong when I woke up at seven that morning.

My grandma moved in again with us when we finished with the house renovations about 2 months ago. She was not the same khales. She didn't recognise us. I usually check in on her everyday after I get back from work... Sit with her for a bit. But that day, I went to her in the morning. She was asleep, so I didn't want to bother her, but as I stood there in her room, looking at her, I felt like this was it. I was saying my silent goodbye.

When I walked into the house, it felt very wierd. I walked into her room and found my sister holding my grandma and rocking her, with tears in her eyes. I mouthed, "what's wrong?". She shrugged and said, "I don't know". My grandma was sitting up, breathing heavily, not responsive. My dad was frantic trying to locate the doctor to get him to come over straight away. When he found him and told him that, he went and stayed with my grandma, taking my sister's place. I stood and watched from far away, not really knowing what to think or do. There was nothing I could do. A couple of minutes later, I watched as my dad checked for breath and pulse and uttered the Shahada. He silently said some verses from the Quran and just stayed there with her.

I didn't think I would get that upset. But I did. And being my practical problem-solving self, I contacted my relatives getting the word out, and started preparing the house for guests. I calmly told my 11 year old brother what had happened and comforted him, hugging him. While hugging him, I selfishly needed that hug myself. I felt so lost. And I felt it was up to me to do everything. My mom was away on business and by the time we were able to reach her, it was near midnight.

Our relatives started to arrive, and by then I think I was on autopilot. Taking care of everything and everyone, with hardly any emotion. Endless silent tears were flowing from my eyes, but I kept moving to everyone's every need. I am in awe of my father and how he handled the situation. I don't think I'd ever be strong enough. My mom says that I take on that trait from my dad. I could always be counted on, she says, in the tough situations.

As it was late, the burial was the next day. I attended every part of the process and I'm grateful for it. She was laid to rest next to my other grandma, who passed away two years ago.

I don't want to be missing out on life.

Too many things happening, too little time.

2007-11-05T08:37:00.001-08:00

I am sooo overwhelmed!!! I'm in over my head in work and writing yesterday and today is the only thing I have done for myself in a long time. I am loving what I'm doing, but I feel like I'm missing out BIG TIME on the important things in life... like nursing my poor cat that had surgery 2 days ago. Or sitting with my parents... aparantly, my dad has become an active politician in the past few weeks, and I have not been aware of this at all! I didn't even know which party he was rooting for. Anyhow. I am hoping that this rush of work ends soon.

My boss took the liberty of talking to that professor (as he has more time on his hands than I do!). He told him about my plans, and the professor promised to help. The guy was all for it, claiming that there is a program through which you stay there and work for the summer, and you get a total fee scholarship. He said that up till this moment, no one from Africa ever applied, so it could be a great chance. But the program starts in 2009. Who cares? As long as I get in, right? He told me to give him copies of transcripts and stuff. I have NO idea when I'll be able get a move on and do something about this. It was so embarrasing that I couldn't do it myself, but God, when was I supposed to do this???? The guy's stay was extended for a few days, so I'll bring my paperwork along with me tomorrow and hope for the best.

I look like a total blob. I went dress shopping yesterday and it was disasterous! Seriously Sara get a grip on yourself! So today, instead of my favorite quarter pounder meal, I resigned to a cheese burger and coffee... ugh!

Okay then. Personal time, over too soon. The hunt starts for the perfect dress!

I get knocked down... and I get up again...

2007-11-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

I miss blogging so much! I've been so busy lately I feel like my mind will go "splat" any day soon.

It's all good! My boss, after thinking of making me senior in what I do, decided that I'd be better off changing to some other, more technically focused job, a job given to master degree holders. But he says that I do most of the things in there anyway effortlessly and that I'd do really well somewhere else. This means NO MORE DONKEY WORK!!!! Hurray!!! Well... at this point they're looking into doing this the legal way as I'm not supposed to get another promotion till next April. But if they get special approval from some senior person in Washington, you'll be soon looking (or rather reading blogs written by) the all new research officer. The last research officer we had was a 30+ year-old with a masters! I'm sure I'll be dodging bullets from those dozens of people who'd rather watch me die, but I don't care. I work hard and i'm good at what I do. Their incompetencies are their problems! I'm proud, and I feel good that my parents are proud of me as well.

I'm going to see my sister next month!!! So, Sacramento, here I come!!! I'm really excited about it, but at this point, I'm supposed to plan what we will do there for christmas, and I don't have time to do that. Options currently are: Disneyland!!! Woohoo... Skiing, which I am secretly dreading as I am totally out of shape.... and a road trip, which sounds really good. We could rent an RV and go around California. That would be fun. I'll be there for 22 days!!! I told my work collegues, but I need to officially apply for a vacation leave. I need to do that soon before anyone changes their minds! I was so worried about the visa process, but it didn't take time at all! The embassy sent us back the passports a day later! I must say, they are efficient. Or maybe it was just my luck.

My best friend's wedding is next Saturday! I'm having mixed feelings about this. I'm thrilled that she's getting married, but I'm ridiculously jealous! Its taking alot of me to confess this. I'm not jealous of her, I'm jealous of her hubby. I feel like he's taking her away from me. How dumb is that? Nevertheless, I'm still incredibly happy for her. I just need to find something to wear! :-S I've been too busy to shop.... I wanted to have a dress tailor made, but at this point, I'm going to be stuck with ill-fitting readymade ones. Ugh.

That professor I was supposed to talk to about the master's program the Uni he works in offers is around the country and I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A CHANCE TO TALK WITH HIM EITHER!!! WTF am I supposed to do??? I have no time!!! I need someone to press the pause button for me. I need just one day to catch up on the things I need to do!

I went to Minia for the first time ever! *sigh* I love this country. More details and pictures to come soon... (when I get a chance)...

Anyhooo.. I better go attempt to shop for anything to wear! Laterz.

Raining lions and bears!

2007-10-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

I didn't get any sleep last night.

If you're in Cairo, you'd know what I'm talking about. We had the worst thunderstorm ever. Seriously, I've never experienced anything like this in Egypt before. It started raining at about 3 in the afternoon yesterday. But it was okay. At 4-ish the whole sky was covered with thick clouds which put out the sun. We were still supposed to have at least another 1.5 hours of sunlight. That was all okay, although driving home in the rain was not much fun. Bas 3ady. Who minds a bit of rain? It stayed gloomy and rainy till midnight. Nothing too shocking.

I went to bed at midnight and only an hour later, I find my baby brother with me in the bed, shivering. I am about to ask what the matter is when I hear this horrific sound right above my head. It truly felt like the thunder was coming from somewhere in the room! I actually ducked, which seems silly now, but at the time it was frightening waking up to that. Not only that, but the room was alight. Lightening struck every few seconds or so, somewhere different every time, and lit up the whole sky. It was pretty scary. Deep down inside, I was pretty disturbed by it. It felt like as if we were stuck in a battlefield. And there I was trying to comfort my brother by telling him how its such a good thing that we have rain, and what good it would do to our country.

A half hour later, we were all in my parents' bed! Its pretty funny now, thinking about how we must've looked. A 24 year old, an 18 year old and an 11 year old running to our parents. Ridiculous. We all stayed up together, watching the lightening and counting the seconds between it and the thunder. My brother got used to it, and I was awed at the vein shapes the lightening took. I resigned to bed at around 3:30, but I kept waking up ever few minutes when it got too loud. It was a restless night.

At times like these when I truly feel like I need a hug.

Update on the cheese status: turned into fine Brie with herbs.

This is exactly how I feel.

2007-10-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me,
wrap me up
UNFOLD me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me,
wrap me up
UNFOLD me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

This is not a suicide note.

2007-10-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about death alot lately. I don't know what it is, but I really think about it all the time. Unless I'm really concentrating at work, or someone is keeping me talking, death is on my mind. Its not that I will ever attempt to kill myself. This is not a suicide note.
I'd never do that. But at this point, I don't mind the thought of dying. I really don't mind dying any minute now. Its not that I'm such a good person, that I know that I'm going straight to heaven... I'm not a good person at all. But its just that I find my life so pointless that dying could actually be a good thing. The world would not lose much by my death.. on the contrary, there will be more food and sleeping space to go around. I wouldn't be missed much either. My family would probably miss me shiwaya... but that's about it.
Every night as I lay on my bed falling asleep, I think that maybe this will be the night that I don't wake up. It doesn't scare me as it should. I don't want to go on wasting my life on pointless activities that don't get me anywhere... but I'm such a lazy person that I can't be bothered to do anything about it. I really don't care about people like I should.
There was this game we used to play in school... The farmer in the dell... (The farmer's in the dell, he takes a wife, the wife takes a child, the child takes a nurse, the nurse takes a dog, the dog takes a cat, the cat takes a rat, the rat takes the cheese, the cheese stands alone). I feel like I'm the cheese now. I feel so alone. And I'm not doing much about it to make it better.
I have been having so many fall outs with friends, its unbelieveable. I keep snapping at people.. I never call... I never bother to visit or make plans... I'm just the worst friend you'll ever find.
So, as I write this note, I am hoping that I stop being so negative. I hope that I start taking my life seriously and stop wasting so much precious time doing meaningless nothings.

As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

One Second - Sarah Bettens

2007-10-03T04:06:00.000-07:00

I'm totally addicted to this song. I've been listening to it for the past two days nonstop.

When something dies
Or comes to life
When water shines in yellow light
When something moves
Inside a tree
I wish you saw things just like me

When I walk around
Lost and found
And I feel my feet as they touch the ground
And I’m happy just to be right there
I wish that I could somehow share
The thing my stomach does when I think of us

What if we had one second to be?
Just like the other what would we see?
What if you knew exactly what you are to me?
Would you be terribly surprised?
To see who I am in my actual size
A second is short, but more than enough
You would feel loved, you would feel loved

What do you hear, when music sings
What makes you sad, what sadness brings
Do you feel empty when you cry?
If I could only find out why you fear the things you fear
And make it disappear

What if we had one second to be?
Just like the other what would we see?
What if you knew exactly what you are to me?
Would you be terribly surprised?
To see who I am in my actual size
A second is short, but more then enough
You would feel loved, you would feel loved

What if we had one second to be?
Just like the other what would we see?
What if you knew exactly what you are to me?
Would you be terribly surprised?
To see who I am in my actual size
A second is short, but more then enough
You would feel loved, you would feel loved
You would feel loved, you would feel loved
You would feel loved, you would feel loved

amazing...

I need to go...

2007-10-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

At this side of the office building, there is one girls' bathoroom (there are 4 girls in this side of the building). Today... its 3:30. Most people already left, except me and one other lady. Now, I don't like using public bathrooms. Like, only if I'm about to wet my pants do I get the courage to use a public bathroom.

So today, now actually, I'm getting up to use the bathroom as I really need to go and I see the other lady a few feet ahead, also heading towards it. For like a milli-second, I was tempted to run quickly, race her to the bathroom. I think I'm going mad...

Another hilarious no.1 related story:
We were going to sa7el.. a group of friends from the same qarya... Now, I'm hopeless when it comes to car rides. I'm serious. I have to calculate how far we are from the next stop before attempting to pop open a Pepsi Diet. It takes almost 40 minutes from the moment I take the first gulp, till the moment I feel the undying urge to go. So, here I am, with friends, going to sa7el. They decide to stop in Master, so I drank my soda. When we got to Master, I walk to the bathroom and there are loooong lines infront of the three stalls there. The system is, the first in line goes, when she's done, the cleaning lady goes in and wipes clean the toilet.. Now I was impressed at the system, but at this point, I really need to go. I stand in line... which is like 15 women deep! The closer I got to the stall, the more nervous I became at messing up the system. I was so nervous infact that when I was up to go in, I had stage fright. Anyhooo... I go in and try to "go" but I can't. I'm too nervous. I can't get myself to go. In my mind, I'm thinking of the lne of 15+ women out there who all want to go and are probably cursing poor me, who's taking alot more time than needed cuz I can't get myself to go... I took so much time that people started talking loudly about that rude person who's taking so much time inside. I finally am able to go, but as I walk out, everybody is staring at me! And the cleaning lady tried to make me feel better by smiling and telling me "forget them". Of course, she was in it for the tip...

So, that concludes my entertaining Sara stories of the day.

Yuck Fou!!!!!

2007-09-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

At this point, I'm bubbling and boiling up inside... I honestly think that he changed his status for my sole viewing! He is unbelieveable! Begad, he has around 30 friends, most of which are family members! How annoying!!! I'm trying to not let this bother me, but ITS SO F$%)ING OBVIOUS! I'm in a UUUGGGGGGGGHHHH mood now. I just feel like shouting out and kicking something.. or somebody... maybe my cat.. How annoying can a person get? Ya3ni, what does he get out of this? The certainty that I aknowledge the fact that he's with somebody, or the certainty that he's an absolute jerk?

I hate him!

Note to self: I need to calm down. I hope my fasting today counts...

2007-09-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

My second long-lost (for good, thank god) cousin changed his facebook status from being "single" to "into a relationship". Bastard.

Venting out. Finally.

2007-09-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm so down lately. It could be that let down that I've had recently... I haven't really thought about it. I've only told my good friends... and I didn't really relay the whole story to them. Its not easy admitting to rejection.

So. Mid August, he finally comes to Egypt. We meet and it was probably the best I've felt in ages. It was so comfortable sitting with him, talking, laughing.. It was so funny. I went to pick him up from the hotel. I was sitting in the lobby waiting, and then I see him come down.. and for like five minutes, I didn't move.. I just sat in my chair (back facing him), peering from behind the huge chair, and just watched him as he looked for me. I stayed like that till I saw that he was starting to dial my number.. then I had to come out of my hiding place. But as I sat there for those few minutes, I gave myself time to get used to the idea that he's actually there, the person I've been talking with for the past 2 years!

So I walked up to him and said "Hi".. He looks at me and says "Hey, you look great!". That's the very first thing he says. Then for a few awkward minutes we're trying to decide where to go.. bas as soon as we decide, we're walking, laughing, talking and it felt like I've only seen him yesterday and this is something we do everyday. That's exactly how it felt. Anyhow. We have an awesome night and I leave at around midnight kedda. The following day he heads off to Alex and I leave for my 2 week vacation at sa7el.

For the time I was there, I made it clear that I could make it to alex/ marina if he'll be free to go out (that he was worth the trip). We end up only talking on the phone a few times, and smsing often. I had the greatest time ever with old friends.. and seriously, they were the best 2 weeks this year. Living (almost) with a group of people I've known since forever, ages ranging from 17-27. We did everything together.. ending the 2 weeks by building a huge and very ugly sand castle and promises of staying in touch. I came back tan and happy.

The day I left, he gave me a call. He said that he'll be in Cairo and that we needed to talk. He almost, but not in exact words, expressed that this was about us... what else would it be about???? For the week after, he never makes it to Cairo.. and when I left to Alex for the conference, I never saw him there. By the time my conference ended and I was free for one night, I give him a call, and his brother answers telling me that he left. I was so pissed at him. Why didn't he make the effort. Why make me wait and think that there was something important and just leave without even telling me?

This finally triggered an urgent response from me. I didn't care. I had to finally know where I stood and whether I should keep on hoping, or move on with my life. So I wrote him an email, on the very first day of Ramadan. I was pretty proud of myself and how honest I was finally! The following is an extract from the email I sent:
"We're both adults and I can handle whatever comes at me. For the past year I have been having these mixed emotions when it came to you. I wasn't sure why you were keen on building this friendship and keeping it for so long. Sometimes I'd think there was something there, and at other times, I think I'm definitely mistaken.

I really appreciate you as a friend and I'm grateful that our paths have crossed. But there is this lingering feeling inside of me that makes me wish we were more than just mere friends. I thought it was ridiculous that I should feel like that as I've only seen you once since this friendship started. But then when I saw you a month ago, I was amazed at how comfortable I was in your presence. That feeling of wishing there was something there increased doublefold. At this point, I just want to stop being so confused all the time. Seriously its driving me crazy. And every time I decide to move on with my life and try to stay away from you, I can't."
So. I was bold. Blunt. And perfectly honest. And for about an hour I was stressed at what his response would be. Somehow, deep inside I knew what his answer was. This is part of what he wrote:
"I'm quite proud of you reading this email and as usual it reinforced much of the respect I have for you... I'm confident that you can handle any thing. I'm tempted to be nothing less than the maturity and honesty you are demonstrating. For me, you have been and will be a friend and a sister that I never had. I encourage you to continue with your life and I trust that you will find excellent choices. I wish you can see things the way I see it, just take your time. You deserve the very best. Be well and ramadan kareem ..."

I was at work reading this, so as soon as I did, I got up prayed zohr and prayed 2 extra rak3as thanking God for the peace of mind. I do not regret doing this. I can finally move on with my life. I did shed a tear or two afterwards. But 2 minutes later, I was back on my desk and dismissed all thought about it again, till today. I now feel the urge to cry again. I am not convinced by his answer. It was NOT all in my head. I mean, I did confide to a few trusted persons the things he used to say and they thought there was something there too.. Last of which was that "we need to talk" thing. So, I think he either changed his mind about me or met someone else sometime between the phone call and the email.

I trust that this was all for my benefit and I probably learnt a thing or two along the way. I'm better off, I guess.

It's still hard.

2007-09-23T02:42:00.000-07:00

I amaze myself sometimes. I could seem composed and poised on the outside, yet broken and torn on the inside.

I've been living a lie. I've been distracting myself for the longest time from anything that bothers me. Shrugging off all the negative things that come ny way. I've been laughing at life, not really feeling anything in the process. But its all fake. I need to wake up.

I need to be emotional. To cry out. To laugh out real laughter. Not fake and forced.

I need a change.

Ramadan Kareem

2007-09-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in such a long time, it feels almost alien to me.

I've been so busy these past months, and at this point I feel like I just need to unwind. The biggest thing event for me during this period was rejection. I confronted that long lost cousin of mine. I had to know where this was going, and I got a "good luck with your life" note. I've been so busy since it happened that I haven't let myself react to it, and I think emotion will come back and attack me pretty soon. But for now, I don't have time to think about it.

I'm finally a legal driver and my car is legally mine. This process took long hours at the moroor, and I finally understand why a wasta is so necessary! I still don't approve of buying myself services I'm entitled to, but at this point I had to give in. Just this once.

I took a 2 week vacation, during which I did absolutely NOTHING. Ahhh, it was heaven. I lazed at the beach, swam for hours (oh hoe lovely the water was), did some needed tanning, socialized with a bunch of people I've known since forever but only saw in the summers, went go-carting, saw movies and just had plain old fun. It was a drastic change from my normal day-to-day life and I loved it! Coming back to work is oh-so-hard!

Work.... well, I dunno what it is, but I don't feel like working anymore. I came back from vacation to a major conference, which I coordinated myself! Imagine, in a week, I was back in work and organizing a conference. The conference went well, but it was an organizer's nightmare. It was a major pain. Seriously, I wish they had given this task to anybody else. BUT, I came back to work and two days later they tell me that they're looking for the legal way in which to give me another raise and change in title. Way to go Sarsour!!! It feels good, but as I just got a raise, they'll have a hard time explaining why I'm entitled to another one. Apparantly, they'll say that I work loads time harder than anyone with a comparable salary. It feels good anyhow.

Ramadan has been busy so far. We've been eating out/ in with family since it started, so I haven't had a chance to do much else. I'm enjoying seeing the family and all that. Its cool.

Anyhow... I'm off to a Salat el Ganaza... Allah yer7amha. One of our co-worker's mom passed away today and they're having the ganaza now.

2007-08-01T03:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend I'm attending the funeral of one of my good friend's father, as well as the wedding of a good friend. My emotions are so jumbled up I'm not sure whether I'm sad or happy. My heart is going out to my friend and her family.... while I'm about to burst with happiness for my friend who's getting married...

Its really been a whole month!!!

2007-07-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

Its almost a whole month since I last wrote. That's incredible. The number of major things that have happened in this last month is huge...

1. I bought a car! Parents sending me for all sorts of errands. Driving is not that bad. Haven't driven anything other than my own car since.
2. My boss told me that I need a raise, qouting "you're underpaid for the outcome you produce..". Well, I haven't seen him since, so I'm hoping it amounts to something. Fingers crossed.
3. I'll be travelling! Other than weekends away with the folks, I'll be going on business trips at least once a month! Hurray! (rate before this decision was once every 3 months)
4. My best friend is getting married! yay!
5. My grandma moved out cuz we're having renovations being done to the whole house. Its about time!!! But we're all thrilled! Grandma comes back when all is done.
6. My boss sent this to everyone after a major event 10 days ago: "the magnificent contribution made by Sara who worked very long hours, and maintained the professional, calm and efficient support that we all associate with her work". He's taking me out for dinner soon to celebrate success of the event.
7. In the process of applying for my masters, and looking for sources of funds. Found two AMAZING institutions... me really hopeful!
8. Was proposed to. Yet again. By the same guy. For like the 20th time. What he said touched me this time, akheeran. Definite improvement. Politely declined. Bought myself time.
9. Supervisor hates me now. Like really really hates me. She came and talked to me on how I'm making this huge show of myself. My reply, "I'm doing my job, nothing more. Are you saying that I shouldn't do my job???" I then asked her to tell me of ONE time she thinks I did anything that was not a part of doing my work... she never replied.
10. I'm broke and in debt... till Ramadan maybe. Luxury items on waiting list.
11. Second cousin never showed up. He says he'll be there next week, during which I'll be travelling. I'm not changing my travel plans. He wants to see me, he can coordinate around my dates. HAHA.

More details soon.

Love at first sight...

2007-06-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

This is the car I'm buying. Or one EXACTLY like this. Isn't it the cutest thing you've ever seen?

I've been contemplating buying a car, and this is the car I am going to buy to start myself driving. I figured that if I'm passionate about the car, the driving part would come easy. Khalas, I found the one. And my parents said that they'll pitch in. Aren't they the best? :-D

But. This will mean putting off America for this year. Or being in debt when November comes. But either way, I'm buying the car. Howa kedda. I'll drive it for a year, donate it to my siblings, and then buy a new one when I'm ready.

*sigh*

I'm in love...

snob? me???

2007-06-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

I was out yesterday with one of my friends. We talked about guys like we do all the time, laughing about potential suitors and who tried to hook who up.. that kind of stuff... then I started telling her about the guys with me in the office. And how annoying the single guys were. I was actually told by one guy, "had I been richer I would have never let you go"... My reply to that was, "do I give off the impression that I'm a snob?" Its not that I would have ever considered him anyway, but it just felt like ugh, why did he have to do that? He's okay, but I just never considered him. Not because of his status, bas because we just never clicked. I mean, what was the point in telling me that anyhow? I guess he was expecting me to be super flattered or something. Or maybe he wanted me to respond with something like, "habibi I would take you as you are, and I don't need anything else, all I want is you..."...!!!

UGH. I don't get it.

Well, the conversation afterwards went on to who were the guys that I did like. They all turned out to be married/ engaged. That's when I got one of those light bulbs moments.

I realized that I'm easily attracted to guys who would never be interested in me. That's what I like about them. They tend to not have some hidden intentions that I don't know about. They're downright honest and clear. They say what they mean and mean what they say. And I don't feel threatened in their presence.

What is it with me???

Crap

2007-06-06T01:08:00.000-07:00

Thats exactly how I feel. I feel like crap. I talked with that relative of mine yesterday, and I felt NOTHING. He's so annoying. One day I feel like a princess and the next I feel like crap.

This sucks.

The final countdown... 12 days and counting...

2007-06-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

My second cousin is coming to Cairo in about 2 weeks.

We first got to know each other 2 years ago. He remembers visiting us as kids but I can't remember him khales. Two years ago he came to one of our family breakfasts, wearing jeans, a shirt and my grandfather's shibshib. It was Friday and they were going to prayers afterwards. I remember how his smile was so gorgeous and he got along so well with everybody. Easy to talk to and fit in so well.. I was amazed that I had someone in the family like him. Although he left to the UAE soon after that Friday morning, we remained in contact since. He would send me loads of things. Whatever I wanted, he would send over. In the beginning, I thought he was doing this cuz he's trying to be friendly with me as I was the little sister, and I thought he had something for M. And I was being courteous and nice cuz he's my relative. But I soon found out that him and my sister weren't in contact and haven't been since that Friday breakfast.

It progressed to something else. We'd tell each other everything. He'd call me long distance almost every other day and talk for hours. About a year into this, I started falling for him big time. I didn't know what he wanted from me or why he kept sending things. I got confused and annoyed. I didn't like being so attached to him and not knowing where I stood. Had he been anybody else I would have told him off! But he still remained my relative. So I backed off. I stopped contacting him. I was nice when he called and if he needed anything, I did it for him, but it wasn't the same. It has been that way since.

But two weeks ago we were talking and he hinted something big time. We were talking about how his mum was pressuring him into getting married, and I was like "welcome to the club"... then I got him to talk to me on his potential brides. He was talking about this girl, and I could swear he was talking about me. And I think he wanted me to think that. After talking about all this, he mentions that he's coming down to Cairo, asking me to set up an itinerary for him with things to do together while he's here.

I couldn't stop all the overwhelming emotion that filled me afterwards. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. We've been talking about details since. He's originally from Alex and they don't have an apartment here, so while in Cairo he needs a place to stay. Our house is akeed out of the question with my grandma here. My grandpa's house could be an option, or a nearby hotel. I rented a car and driver for him, and I'll probably pick him up from the airport.

Gosh.

I think I'll just play this all by ear. I mean, I wouldn't hesitate in a second. He's perfect. He's such a family guy. The reason he didn't get married sooner was because he's taking care of his folks. His younger bro is in Canada and his older bro is married with his own life. He's really smart, has a Ph.D at 29! And I know that my parents love him. The whole family likes him. That Friday morning was something.

I wish someone could just live my life for a bit. Or I could go on autopilot. I don't know what to expect. I mean, what's he thinking, putting me through all this??? Why am I thinking of someone I only saw once??? AND WHY IS HE SO HOT (even in giddo's shibshib)???

Its over!!!!

2007-06-03T02:06:00.000-07:00

Its Sunday and my mummy and daddy are coming home! I SURVIVED!!! I have till 9pm today to look after her, but I think I just might make it.

Begad, I think this weekend was good for me. I learnt that if I do my absolute best to make her feel comfortable, I end up not having any problems at all. Yeah, its hard work. But it feels real good in the end. My parents kept calling me and thanking me for doing this. They deserved to get out and have fun for a change.

Today. I'm as happy as can be.

Shatra ya Sarsour.

2007-06-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

Please God, give me the strength and patience that I so urgently need.

Me and the old woman, alone, ALL WEEKEND LONG!

2007-05-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

As if my week couldn't get any worse. My parents and my baby bro are off to Taba for the next four days. During which, of course, I am expected to take care of my grandma.

Okay, I haven't left the office yet for the very exhausting weekend that awaits me. I need an attitude change. So I thought I'd draw up a plan. It seems I'm on "planning" mode these days.

This is it. No turning back.

Sara's Reform:

Be nice, no matter what (even when she asks God to make me blind, or crippled, or any of those things she often wishes of me)
If she goes crazy and tries to get me down, I'll stay out of sight till she calms down. Nothing I can say will make it better.
Feed her well. She's happy when she eats.
Stay at home all weekend (unless baby sis is at home, although she has exams and can't count on her).
Try to get emotional support from friends. Maybe they can come over and watch a movie.

Poor Sarsour... :-S

Giving in to the salesguy...

2007-05-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

So. Today. I gave in and I signed up for a credit card. I've been fighting this for the past year. Ducking as soon as I see a sales guy walking around in our halls... But today. I invited the guy in (he was pretty cute). I told him to give me the brief of what their offer is and the papers required, and in less than 30 minutes I officially became a debt-prone citizen.

Promise to self:
Only to be used if I'm in deep shit. Otherwise, the old debit card will do.

Snapping at the elderly.. terrible!

2007-05-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting with my mum, my sister and brother, and grandma is sitting in her usual place. I'm talking with my mum animatedly and we're obviously talking about something important.

Then my grandma looks at me and says "where's your dad".. I'm still talking to my mum.. Still continuing with what I'm saying... my grandma repeats "where's your dad"... I still ignore (can't she see I'm talking?!?).. Then she asks again "ba2olik, where's your dad???". This time, before I know it, I turn to her and snap, "I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!!!".

Oops.

After that came out, she started tid3y 3alaya, which her reaction towards anyone that annoys her. Begad, I didn't mean to blurt that out. I couldn't help it. I mean, that's my reaction when my baby brother tries interrupting me. I was so angry afterwards with myself. I should control my temper, hell I never thought I even had a temper!!!! My mum turned the volume of the TV real loud to drone out her do3a2, and eventually she stopped.

To make up for what I did, I took her to her room to sleep. I still feel awful though.

I really don't like her. And that's really bothering me.

USA Trip: Plan # 1

2007-05-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of days I've been thinking about what I really need for my trip to the US. I'm planning to take three weeks off work, meaning, that I will use up most of my annual leave days, also meaning, my summer will be limited to weekend trips to sa7el (again).

I'm trying to look for cheap flights. The best one so far is the Egypt Air, direct to JFK for $ 750. And then 2atsarraf min hinak with a local airline to Sacramento. I've seen prices that range around $ 280+, which is okay, I think. I'm still searching. I have an agent that I deal with all the time, and they can get me cheaper prices, but I need to specify first which flight I want, with the exact dates. I think my round trip would end up being around 7000LE, including the connection. Ouch.

I've also been trying to think up of how much I will be needing for shopping, food, visits (Disneyland!!!! haven't been there since i was 9!) and all that. I put a round figure of 10,000 LE. I'm sure that the actual will be way less than that, but that's where I'm at now. My sister told me that I don't need to worry about food and all that. But I'm worrying anyway. I'm definitely going with empty suitcases. I can wear my sister's clothes while I'm there...

I'm sure I'll sort that all out.

In the meantime, I'll definitely stop eating out, ordering in, buy new clothes, stop thinking about getting a laptop, or a new camera, or anything that requires any amount of money, no trips that require staying at a hotel (unless with folks), no self-indulging in things I don't need, limit spending to LE 500 a month :-S. Note to self: Maybe giddo can give me a loan, 5000 LE walla 7aga?

Okay, I need to get ready to leave by October/ November. I think it would be nice to be there for her birthday (mid November). Then I can carry all her presents with me. I need to apply for the visa by maybe September. 3ashan ba3d el za7ma. I'm sure everybody's trying to get visas now. Not a good idea to apply now khales. I'm sure getting the visa will not be a problem (ISA ISA ISA).

Good luck Sarsour.

:-S

I miss my sister... :-S

2007-05-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

My sister (M) moved to the US about a month w shiwaya ago to work there for a year. Poor thing is lonely, having a hard time settling in, and is having real trouble with getting around. Mafeesh microbussat, or taxis for 10 LE to downtown.. she's gonna get a car soon, but in the meantime, she's learning to survive. I should be going later this year to see her (yay!).

This is a conversation we just had. Poor thing.

................................................................................

Sara says:
enty 3amla eih?
M says:
I'm fine i had a very funny experience yesterday!
Sara says:
what happened?
M says:
i had rented a car on Friday to go to a test i had yesterday
M says:
so i could get used to driving around i rented a couple of days earlier
Sara says:
yeah
M says:
so yesterday i had to give it back
Sara says:
uh huh
M says:
but before that i needed to fill it up with gas
Sara says:
lol.. self service
M says:
so i go into the gas station after my exam which was like 4 hours and yup
M says:
self service!
Sara says:
hahaha
M says:
so i don't know how the system works!
M says:
so i go in and try to fill up the car but it doesn't do anything
Sara says:
lol
Sara says:
u have to pay first
M says:
and there are slots there for cash but i didn't have that on me
M says:
so i take the car and pull up to the mart
Sara says:
lol
M says:
i go in and i sort of ask the lady how to pay for the gas that i want
M says:
n i don't know how much gas i need to put in
M says:
or how much money it would cost.
Sara says:
lol
Sara says:
she must have thought u were crazy..
M says:
so i blurt out something like i need gas but i don't know how much and i don't know how to do it!
M says:
well she was very clear about that she couldn't come out and help me because she was alone at the register.
M says:
so i tell her just explain and I'll be ok
M says:
so she sort of explains and the whole store is watching cause I'm holding up the line !
Sara says:
lol
M says:
so i had to go out and park the car by the pump i wanted to use
M says:
a guy comes up and helps me get this all together.
Sara says:
ya7aram!
M says:
but my card is rejected at the pump because it's not from the states
M says:
so i go in again to the lady and pay 20$ from the card
Sara says:
yeeeeiiiyeee
M says:
then i go out again and pump the gas!
M says:
then i wait for my receipt as i pumped only with 11$
Sara says:
lol
M says:
it tells me it's back inside!
M says:
so i go with the car back to the shop and ask the lady for a receipt.
M says:
she asks me did u put the nozzle back on
M says:
so i tell her yeah
M says:
but she says it's not on
Sara says:
lol
M says:
so i go out and there's another car pulling up to pump gas.
Sara says:
nooooo
M says:
so i go back in and tell her that
M says:
so she give s me a receipt for 20$!!
Sara says:
that's so demented!
M says:
so it was such a mess and i was glad that it was over that i just leave and don't bother to argue about it!
Sara says:
poor you
M says:
so i learned how to pump gas yesterday
M says:
and i learned the hard way!
M says:
lol
Sara says:
alf mabrouk
Sara says:
that's a life long lesson!
M says:
it was funny actually but the thing was i was so tired that i was going stupid!
M says:
but it's very funny out here that u have to everything on your own
Sara says:
I know..
M says:
i registered for the exam on my own, went to take it at a computer
M says:
then i got my scores!
M says:
it's like u don't need teachers anymore!
M says:
or schools
Sara says:
yeah
M says:
u just need urself and credit card and a computer
Sara says:
lol
M says:
it's actually saddening
Sara says:
yeah.. its lonely
M says:
cause it's kind of lonely
M says:
yeah!
Sara says:
lol
Sara says:
jinx
M says:
by the way things are u're basically doing everything on ur own
Sara says:
I remember brainstorming about that way back during our manarat jeddah days.. one of the books had those "imagine life with computers in the year 2020".. lol. 2020 doesn't seem that far anymore... just around the corner!
M says:
by the end of my stay i could probably graduate myself and take a master's degree!
Sara says:
lol
Sara says:
even filling up on gas on your own
Sara says:
no annoying guys trying to wipe your windshield
M says:
lol
Sara says:
making it even grittier than it originally was
M says:
yeah but i kind of wanted them yesterday!
M says:
i was tired and appreciated what we have back home!
M says:
can u imagine
Sara says:
i know.. I can imagine
Sara says:
I love masr, despite all those annoying windshield wiper dudes
M says:
yeah me too
M says:
it's home!
Sara says:
yeah
M says:
so i gtg girly
M says:
loved talking to u
Sara says:
okay then.. it was fun talking
M says:
will see u tomorrow inshallah
Sara says:
Inshaa Allah
M says:
i really miss u loads guys
Sara says:
we miss you too!
Sara says:
hang in there.. and don't let the computers and gas pumping technology freak you out!
M says:
lol
M says:
don't worry it's just the first time!
Sara says:
hehe

???????????????

2007-05-18T03:26:00.000-07:00

This morning, I woke up with the weirdest dream.

First, it started off by my being in a tennis court. I don't play tennis. Haven't lifted a racket in 10 years, but there I was playing tennis. It was two on two.. and my partner was this guy that was with me in school who I haven't seen for about a year and a half. Anyhow.. we finish playing, and then decide to take a dip in the pool. So we all jump in the pool.. I'm totally enjoying myself.. Till I realize I have my bag with me. WTF??? Why would I have my bag with me in the pool??? So, I rush out of the pool, dripping wet, and start pulling things out of my bag... My phone was still working... I shook the water out of it, but the screen was alright. My ipod was also still working.. bardo I put it out to dry. And laid out all the stuff that was in the bag to dry off.

Okay, now what I remember next is that I'm home, in my balcony. I find a really old school friend (last time I saw her was the 7th grade) dripping wet bardo in a black knee length dress. I ask her what's wrong and she says that she jumped over to my balcony cuz she tried showering in her house, but the window wouldn't close shut. So I take her to our bathroom and give her a towel. As I'm leaving the room, a raven forces its way through our bathroom window.

I woke up with the feeling of "WTF?????"

Analysis anyone?

if u go... u cant come back...hehe

2007-05-16T02:30:00.000-07:00

A foreign Newspaper wants to publish a report about the life in Egypt, So they send a female reporter to interview the common citizen in egypt..When she arrives at cairo..She picks a random guy, and starts her interview

Reporter:Hi
Egyptian: We 3alkom el Salam ya 2otta
Reporter: Do u speak English?
Egyptian: Berfect
Reporter: Do u mind if i interview u?
Egyptian: No,i dont have a mind
Reporter:What's your name?
Egyptian: Taha
Reporter: Sex?
Taha: I love it
Reporter:oh no, i meant male or female?
Taha (yelling): what do u sink?
Reporter:Its just for the sake of the report..never mind...male....
Taha:yas male..and i can brove it any time u want
Reporter:No,thanks,I'll take u for ur word...so..how do u find life here in egypt?
Taha:Egybt..very nice cantry..nice wezar..nice
food..byramidz
Reporter:oh well..beside the weather and the pyramids..what else do u like in ur country?
Taha: Byramids,nice wezar,nice food
Reporter:Ok..lets move on..what do u do?
Taha: I am very well ,sank u
Reporter:No,I mean do u have a job?
Taha(looking around him and whispering):Jobat?..no i dont have any (jobat)..lessa mastaba7nash..do u have a (job) with u?..we can esmoke it in my car..dont warry about bolice
Reprter:Oh my god,DO YOU WORK?
Taha:Yas yas..Taxi drivar
Reporter:What do u think about the traffic problem in egypt?
Taha:Very big broblem..very much cars..u see?..but za guvurment is trying to make it bettar..zey did the circle street and za me7war street..and zey make all streets one way so if u go..u cant come back..niahahaha3
Reporter:What about the economic problems in Egypt?
Taha:I do not undurstand what u say
Reporter:I mean..how do u deal with money problems in egypt?
Taha: No NO NO..egybt very rich cantry...we have alot of cotton..alot of water..and we have byramidz
Reporter: So do u make a lot of money?
Taha:No no.. it is not legal to make money..one frend i know make money at home..and he go to brizon..if u make money at home..u can only give it to za banzeena man..they take any money
Reporter: let me rephrase..since Egypt is a rich country.. do u have a lot of money?
Taha:me?! ..Not alot..but I eat and drink Al7amdulelah?
Reporter:Then where does all the money go?
Taha: Guvurment
Reporter:And what does the government do with the money?
Taha:Zey Build circle street,me7war street and make all streets one way
Reporter:well , Ok...Do u vote?
Taha:What duz zat mean?
Reporter:Do u choose your president
Taha:Mubarak?
Reporter:yes
Taha(nervously): i didnt give my voice..but if i was..i will give him my voice
Reporter:Why him?
Taha:Because he was an airoplane in za war..he waz za leadar airoplane
Reporter:But there r no wars right now
Taha: But if we have war..u see?...we know we will have a very good airoplane in it
Reporter: what about the last 26 years?
Taha:I got marry..and have 3ala2 and Amira..and drive taxi
Reporter:No,i meant what did Mubarak do for Egypt in the last 26 years
Taha: He build circle street,me7war street and make all streets one way
Reporter:Thank you very much for ur time Mr. Taha
Taha:No broblem,only 10 bounds
Reporter:I never said i will pay u for this
Taha: Ok..just give me the (job) then..we smoke ,and make head
Reporter:Grrrrrrrr
Taha:ok ok..need a Taxi?

Cereal? I thought I was a princess!

2007-05-16T00:29:00.001-07:00

Sara --

[noun]:

A brand of soylent green breakfast cereal

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Prized Possessions No. 2 and 3

2007-05-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

One of my grandmas lived in Germany throughout my life. She would come visit and we would go visit. I would see her once or twice a year. But she was the closest person to me throughout a huge part of my life. She learnt how to email, and our constant updates were comforting. I learnt German for her. We'd go for bike rides together in the park near her house. I think she was the reason to our creativity and individualism. She would find a talent in every grandchild and put so much effort in nourishing that talent.

No. 2:
At the age of ten, my grandma taught me how to sew. She helped me make simple patterns and turn them into something I could really wear. Every time we would meet up, she would teach me something new, and I'm the only grandchild who was able to pick up the skill.

At one point, my grandma sent me her mother's sewing machine. Its a compact Singer. A model that I probably won't find anywhere at all. I still use it, although its probably more than 30 years old. It has pretty swirly designs on it and actually looks new. I wouldn't be able to find any like it here, that's for sure.

I think I'm going to start making a quilt.

No. 3:
During the Gulf War, my parents shipped us off to Cyprus where we met our grandmother and stayed there for a couple of months to get away from it all. I don't remember much about the war. School was off (as we lived in Saudi at the time). I was 8 maybe.

We'd go to the beach everyday, and she'd read to us every night (The Never Ending Story, I love it to this day). While on the beach one day, I found a heart shaped stone. I gave it to Omi. She painted my name and date on it, colored it red, and put it on her night stand, where it stood till I last saw her. The night she passed, my uncle was getting ready to travel for the funeral arrangements and asked whether we wanted anything from there. I went into hysterics and told him where he'd find the stone. I refused to believe that she passed until my uncle came back a few days later with the stone. I think that ended all doubts in my mind somehow.

I miss meine Oma.

Its funny that my all my prized possessions are related to her somehow.

Prized Possession No. 1

2007-05-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

When I was 17, my grandma gave me my very own typewriter. It was used, but probably my most prized possession at the time. I used up the ribbon, and being me, I never bought another one. I still have the typewriter, but I should probably give it away. Anyhow. As soon as I first received it, this is what I wrote:
....................................................................................................................................................................
To whom it may concern,
My name is Sara (...). I am 17 years old. I am in (....) University, faculty of (....). I am in a family of seven, four brothers and sisters. I value the good things in life, and despise one's unfortunates...

My achievements:
1. A best friend who loves and accepts who I am, and who I love and accept who she is. (she remains still my best friend to this day)
2. A great family, who love me despite my stupidness and mistakes however big they are.
3. Good grades which got me into the college I wanted and made my parents finally proud of me... (halfway through gam3a I realized I wanted to change majors, and I think I would have been better off in the other college that I wanted :-S)
4. Friends who are worthy of my friendship and who definitely helped me through my hardships in life, and who won't hesitate to tell me of my mistakes and would help me work them out. (I'm not in contact with most of them. Fall outs along the way.)
5. Respect for my body through my religion.
6. A good reputation around people I socialize with. (I think I must have been kidding myself there)
7. Grandparents who really know me, love me and who won't hesitate to ask for anything. (except this one that's living with us now.)

My goals:
1. To create a good image of myself in my new steps in life. (I think I'm on the right track there)
2. To finally become as religious as I should be. (I disappoint myself still)
3. To be a good individual in the society I am in whichever it may be. (hmmm.. need work there)
4. To gain friendships where ever I go.
5. To gain respect from the people who are "above" me (teachers, employers...)
6. To keep my family and their love for as long as it takes...
7. To create my own little family, and keep it safe until I die. (lessa... ISA ya Rab)

Conclusion:
I hope that I will follow and accept the steps I have written for myself and use them as guidelines throughout my life.

I hope that what I wrote was all logical and accepted by my family and friends........

Thank you for your patience,

Sara (...)

....................................................................................................................................................................

Hmm... I think when I wrote this I was at a major life changing point in my life. I was pretty young and silly in high school, and I think I out grew that sometime during my gam3a years. I'm still silly sometimes, but I try to keep it at a minimum.

UNHCR: NOW!!!!

2007-05-10T13:23:00.000-07:00

I need to work for the UNHCR. Now. I seriously need to work there.

Action Plan:
- Seriously think about starting a graduate program on development, start applying and knowing what I have to do before I start.
- Perfect my German. Start thinking about learning another langauge. French maybe. Spanish. Italian?
- Try finding someone who already works there. At the moment: no one. Maybe through the UN people I already know...
- Finding out further requirements needed.

Shoot I don't care if I'm hired as a janitor! I need to work there... I don't even know where their office is.. I think that step should come before anything else, don't you think?

Concerned...

2007-05-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

I've been really worried about my maid lately. She started with us about a year ago and is the most efficient person I have ever met. She was so cheerful and sunny when she first started. Always happy and joking and funny. We were really blessed to find her. She's a widow at 29, with a 12 year old daughter.

When she started out, she told us that she's getting married soon and she might leave then, but she wants to work in the meantime. She's already had the katb ketab, but she obviously hates the guy she's getting married to. Her family is forcing her into this marriage. She would tell me how silly he is. Its obvious she doesn't want this guy. She was supposed to have already been married 4 months back, but she's still with us and is putting off the wedding.

I feel that she's extremely depressed, far more than I've ever seen. She stopped eating, and in the instances that she does, she purges. So she's getting thinner (while she was already too thin when she started out). She's very aneamic, and she's so upset all the time. She' tried to smile at us and seems pleased to see me saying "ezzayek ya folla", but she's so miserable. She still comes daily although her health is worst than it has been, but she says that she comes to get away from her family. That she's happiest when she's with us. Although my grandma gives her a shitty time everyday, she still prefers it here.

Today as I met her after work, she seemed worse. I inquire as I always do (and teasing her telling her that I'll have to force food down her soon "2azaghat'ha"). She burst into tears. I asked about what the doctor told her last time she went and she cried saying that he said that what she has is psychological, and she needs to see a shrink. She kept saying, "I can't go, my family will kill me... If they find out that I went to see someone for my head they will punish me". I kept assuring her that it isn't "3eib" to go see a shrink. That they have medicine that will help her feel better, and that she doesn't have to tell anyone. I finally convinced her that it was fine, that we'd find someone good and not in her area, and that she'll feel better. I told her that its not her fault that she's feeling like this. She was actually starting to think about going and started asking about the costs and all that. I told her not to worry about that and that her health was most important at this moment.

She replied to that, with tears still running doen her cheeks, "I'm hungry, I want to be able to eat. I'm so sick of not being able to eat".

Poor thing.

Haha.. I think I'll try one of these now!!!

2007-05-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

Sara's lame-ass excuse to break up:

"I just realized that you're ugly"

'What is your lame-ass excuse to break up?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Sara's lame-ass excuse to break up:

"I was really just in love with your pants the whole time"

'What is your lame-ass excuse to break up?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Hysterics behind the wheel.

2007-05-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

The weather's been really awful lately. I'm not really fond of having dust in my eyes every time I go out. I'm so glad I bought these new glasses. I would have been suffering in my contacts. I broke my old glasses about a year ago and didn't buy new ones since. Then I looked around for new ones a month or two ago and I found the perfect pair. They're new kedda. I'd like to think that I look sophisticated in them. Something to make me look older. I'm 24 and look more like 19. People don't believe that I'm done with Uni, or that I am a working woman. Yeah, I am the youngest employee, but still.

I think I'll start driving again. I definitely wasn't someone who waited impatiently to turn 18 so that i could get my license. I still don't have one. I learnt how to drive after constant nagging from my parents to get behind the wheel. LOL. I had a few awkward moments, and they make funny stories, in two attempts at learning.

Story No. 1:
We were at sa7el with only one car. Our station wagon. My dad was like, "yalla, let's go around a few times with the car." I was like "okay". It wasn't crowded khales and the streets are alright. So anyway, I get behind the wheel, drive around a few blocks, then I had to do a U turn. I went close to the curb and what do you know, the rear tire touched the curb (where there was this dangerously protruding piece of cement coming out) and "poof", we got a flat tire! And where of all places, right by the beach. How embarrassing???? LOL. My dad was like, "okay, this is a good chance for you to learn how to change the tire".

Story No. 2:
Another time we were at Ras Sidr, this time with two cars :-). Anyhow, my mum was like "yalla, there's no one out there in the streets and its a good chance for you to learn". I was like "okay". So I'm sitting there in the driver's seat, my mum next to me and my kid sister in the back. I turn the key to get the car running, I shift the gear to first, I press on the gas and take my foot off the clutch or whatever its called, the car stalls, it dies, I burst into tears. LOL. The thing is, I couldn't help it. I was sitting there crying my eyes out for absolutely no reason. My mum was like "honey, did I say anything that bothered you, are you okay", poor mum. I continued to drive that day for about a half hour with tears running down my cheek the whole time!!! I have no idea why I was crying. My whole family still mentions it from time to time.

I haven't been up to it at all. I don't know why. I get all hysterical if anyone forces me to drive. I do drive, and I'm not all that bad.. bas beyond running minor errands in sa7el (and panicking bardo, and feeling relief after I get back) I don't drive. But now I'm thinking that I just might start. I dunno. I was also thinking of buying a car. That way I could maybe be motivated into driving.

i dunno.

Out of the city...

2007-05-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

I love traveling. And the more I travel, the more I love this country. Egypt has so much to offer, yet so few people know it, or appreciate it.

2 weeks ago I was in Ain Sukhna. I went there only to be spoilt. I wanted to get away, but I didn't want to cook or clean or any of those things. So. I called the hotel in the morning, got picked up by a relative, picked up snacks, and headed to Sukhna. It was lovely... We lazed by the beach, lazed by the pool, lazed infront of the TV... basically we did nothing for 3 days. It was wonderful..

View from my room in Sukhna

A week ago I was in Aswan for a business trip. I've been there before, but this was my first work related trip there. We didn't get a chance to do much as mostly were meetings in the morning, then we're exhausted and barely just get some dinner in the evenings. But it was lovely nontheless. The hotel wasn't the best in the world, but the view was amazing. Its sometimes hard to believe that the Nile there is the same one I look at everyday from my office window. It was so hot there though. It went up to 53 degrees outside during the day. I felt like I was being roasted in the heat. But in the shade it was okay.

View from my room in Aswan

I'll probably try to squeeze in another trip soon. I might be going to Taba later this month. I feel good getting out of the city every once in a while. Especially with this horrible weather we've been having.

Happy thoughts

2007-05-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

It feels like its raining men these days. I'm currently checking H out, but I've been approached so many times this week. One very good prospect (like extremely good). The thing is, I haven't been talking to them as this thing with H is going on. But I see that they're all good. LOL. Why do they all have to come kedda at the same time? I mean, I've been free and ready for the past year for goodness sake!!!

On another happy thought. I got a raise!!! I haven't been able to show my joy at the office because I know at least 3 people who will try to bring me down. But I'm the one and only who got a 30% increase in the whole office of 150 employees, without even asking for it! Hmmm... I feel rich already. Its such a good feeling. Being appreciated. Been grinning since Wednesday. Its getting silly. Oh what the hell?!

It feels so good being me today. All I need to do now is just lose a few kilos.

LOL...Definitely worth waiting for the download..

2007-04-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

No offense... But its funny.

Dementia is driving me crazy.

2007-04-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my grandmother moved in with us about a year ago. I know that the Thawab is great for doing something like this, and by this we're doing our duties as grandchildren. The thing is, I never bonded (at all) with this grandmother of mine.

Background History: I had 3 grandmas and 3 grandpas due to the fact that my grandparents from my mum's side broke up before I was born and they both remarried. But the step-grandparents always became just as close, or even closer. Typically, the grandparents from my mum's side always were my favorite. Both my grandma's from my mum's side passed away. Meaning, the one staying with us is from my dad's side.

Anyhow, so, a year ago, we decide that its best she does not remain alone in her house any longer and that being with us would be good for her. My brother moved out of his room and my grandma moved in. We were all cool with it, as we know its our duty to take care of the elders, and be kind and all that. But we never thought it would be THIS difficult.

Why am I writing this...

Well, she's in her mid eighties and in perfect health. She eats well (very good appetite, Mashaa Allah). She walks around (but only with her walker, and only from and to the bathroom, the bedroom and the living room). And the only thing she does have is a bit of Dementia. That's when they keep repeating the same question again and again, and get confused a lot.

Anyhow, getting back to the point. The thing is, I never bonded with her at all. I never liked her. She never treated us very nice. One of my earliest memories of her was her forcing me to eat a huge plate of food. Another memory was of her shouting at me for throwing up. I WAS SICK!!! Not to mention that she refused to take care of us when my parents went to Hajj (I was 1), and we stayed with family friends, and their grandmas (being moved from one house to the other every couple of days)!!!

So, with all that in mind, you can imagine how hard it is to like her. You know how they say that your character tends to get amplified when you get older. Well, do I need to put it in writing??? Anyhow. SO. She's very stubborn. She tends to be negative all the time. She shouts at the maid for no reason at all. We can't eat in front of her cuz she's always hungry. So, we eat in the kitchen. All meals. We can't have company, except close family. She throws tantrums at least a few times a day. She remains awake all night and demands the whole house get up too! Through this all, you have to remain patient, nice and kind.

As I'm on vacation these days, I am at home almost all day. We got used to tolerating all that for just a few hours. But being here all day is driving me crazy.

Today's battle:
I got up at 8am to hearing her fight with my dad. Apparently she kept him up all night, and he was telling her that he was tired. Anyhow. I get up. Stay in my room for a few hours, then come sit outside to watch TV and check my mail. The maid is cleaning around us. My grandma starts talking (in a really mean way) asking the girl about her galabiya. She's making up this whole story that her galabiya is stolen and she wants it back. I let her quarrel with the girl for a bit till I find that the girl is getting upset, and I decide to butt in. The girl is telling her that all her clothes are in her closet and my grandma is insisting to see the one she's talking about. The girl gets her all the clothes that's in there, and naturally, my grandma says that the one she is looking for is not there! Anyhow. The girl is trying to finish her work and my grandma keeps telling her to go get the galabiya. Then she starts shouting. I tell the girl to disappear and do something else till she calms down. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong.

She asks me about the girl. I tell her that I sent her inside. She tells me to bring her again to question her. I tell her no. Her galabiya is in her closet and the girl has work to do. She then starts a new story and starts accusing ME of taking the galabiya. This is a first for me. It felt terrible. She kept throwing accusations at me. I tried to not answer, but it was impossible. I was too aggravated. I tell her that she is being "zalma" (unfair) to the poor girl. I tell her that she is twisting my words around to get me into this. And I tell her to go check her own closet cuz she'll probably find it there. Of course, she's a bit hard on hearing, so I'm shouting all of these things. I got really angry. In the back of my head I keep telling myself that I shouldn't. That she can't help herself. But I still get mad. It usually helps if anyone else is around. Then we can laugh about it. But it really sucked.

Anyway, she calms down. And a half hour later she asks me for water. I give her a cold face while giving her the water. She says thank you. Then a few minutes later she asks me to come to her. She tells me, "I'm sorry, if I ever said anything hurtful, I'm sorry".

Now I just feel rotten.

Love or something like it...

2007-04-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd list the history of my love life. Its been a jumble of relationships, I don't think I'd be able to remember them all, but here goes:

1. My first love. His name was Billy and he was my best friend. We spent almost everyday together. My bedroom window and his looked into each others. So even when we were grounded, signals by flashlights, cups with strings, and other inventions were called upon to get us to communicate. He was there when my cat died. We would play army together in the pool. In the game, wearing cut-off jeans was a must. Life was easy. I never told him I loved him. I did not see him since we left Saudi in 1996. We wrote each other once. We have not been in contact since. I miss his blue eyes.

2. Coming to Egypt was such a hard thing for me. I had lived most of my life in Saudi and just didn't want to accept the change. But my guy neighbor helped me through. MT. I used to really like him. We spent hours together. Studied together. Played Scrabble in the building entrance together. Till he asked me out. We held hands. I remember feeling as special as can be. We lasted 2 weeks. We were 14.

3. MA. I don't know why I liked him. He was geeky and used gel in his hair which looked pretty awful. We just enjoyed listening to the same songs I guess. I got molested in his presence at one time. He was not the one who touched me, but some older man. I couldn't see him anymore after that. He didn't do anything to protect me. I was broken afterwards.

4. High school. A series of stupid mistakes. This is the time where hormones are running high and everybody wants to be with someone. I liked only one guy, yet a lot of guys had crushes on me. I was a pretty girl. Cute face. Lovely curly hair. Not skinny, but not fat either. The guy I liked never liked me back, yet he did make me think that he did for a while and abused my feelings for him. The others, well they were just there, but I never liked them. One guy YW, I went out with him for 2 weeks and also broke it off. My friends talked me into it. Funny thing is, his current wife was the one who really convinced me! My guy neighbor (No. 2), also forced me into a situation I didn't want. My parents found out. We never spoke since beyond just a "hello". Last year of high school was not bad though. I was single throughout it. And happy.

5. Uni. Starting a new life. For the whole of the first year, I was bestfriends with a girl M and a guy Y. We were inseperable. We spent most weekends together and most weekdays on the phone together. It was all good till Y and I started flirting. I was still tender from the abuse I've gone through, and he was the loving and caring friend (my comfort vest, I used to call him). I remember that first time we looked at each other. Really saw one another. And that was it. We were together. He was my only real love. It lasted 2 years. That's the longest relationship I've ever had.

6. After Y, as the previous post explains, I've had a tough time. I did get engaged, but it was so stupid. A failed Saloonat attempt. I don't know why I went through with it. I guess it was a mixure between not wanting to be alone, and not finding anything terribly wrong with the guy. The problem is that later I didn't find anything striking about the guy either. 2 weeks into the engagement, we couldn't find ANYTHING to talk about. So that was that.

7. Honorable Mention: MK has been constantly asking me out. We gave it a shot during high school and during Uni, and after Uni.. it just hasn't worked out. He still attempts to get us together every time we talk, but he doesn't get that it just won't work out. I appreciate his persistance though. And I love him. Just not that way.

You show me yours, and I'll show you mine...

2007-04-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to remember lately about my earliest memories. I don't remember except for bits and pieces of things that happened when I was 4 maybe. This is what I came up with while straining my brain:

1. I remember going on a trip with my folks. I remember riding in a big bus. I remember my grandparents were there. I remember seeing bee hives and buying honey and bees wax. I remember long tables in the street where we had lunch one day. (Probably 3 or 4)

2. I remember being sick at my uncle's wedding (I was 4). I remember how awful I felt, and how I was supposed to be one of those flower girls but I couldn't take the duty at the time.

3. I remember waiting for the bus for preschool. I remember we used to wait around the corner from our house, where there was this beat up pick-up. My sister and I used to play up on the truck till the bus came. For any of you from Maadi, I used to go to Koki. It still exsists. (3 maybe)

4. I remember jumping backwards into the pool, hitting my chin on the edge and I clearly remember the water around me turning red. I had to go for stitches, and the club had to drain the pool. I remember coming back from the doctor's with cotton under my chin and my cousin and sister screaming "Santa Claus" when I walked into the house. (4)

5. I remember tripping on the side walk, hitting my forehead and blood gushing out. I remember I didn't want to let go of my mum. I remember the doctor who came to stitch me up already had bloody gloves on. I remember being scared. (5 maybe. When I cry, I still find myself wiping my forehead as if to remove the blood.)

6. I remember bubble baths with my sister and cousin.

7. I remember Hamada and Yasmina, our neighbors across the hall in our first house in Saudi. I remember we used to watch Swan Lake almost everyday. (5-6 probably) Hamada passed away a few years after.

8. I remember learning how to ride a bike. I learnt how to ride on a bike, with both pedals turning at the same time. It was broken. It belonged to a Lebanese neighor kid. He taught me how to ride. He wasn't much older. (6)

9. I remember being jealous that my sister would stay longer at school (can you imagine??). I was in kindergarten and she was in 1st - 2nd grade. I was jealous she would get homework!

10. I remember seeing a boy's willy for the first time (other than my baby bro who was just an infant at the time). I was probably 5 or 6 and the boy's name was Sherif. We had a deal, you show me yours and I'll show you mine. LOL. I'm not sure whether that is normal. Curiousity on the opposite sex at that age, but I remember very well. It was at our house in the small bathroom. My mum caught us and I was in trouble.

11. I remember kindergarten graduation. I carried the Saudi flag and lead the girls around the parents and onto the stage. I was pretty cute. The flag was heavy. (6)

12. I remember doggy paddling from one side to the other in the big pool. I just learnt how to swim (or rather, not drown). My sister taught me how.

I guess that's it for now.

Paved Roads.

2007-04-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

Last December, I had one of the most amazing experiences I've had in my lifetime. I remember everything about that week I spent, as it was one that would probably have long lasting impacts on my future. It started out just as any week, except Christmas was around the corner (meaning a day off work), and Eid Ul Adha was also approaching (meaning a long break and lots of good meat). It was supposed to be a happy care-free time for me. Work was good. Life was good. All was all good.

Until...

I got an email from a web friend of mine telling me that he was in town and would like to meet up and say "marhaba". My friend is Palestinian. He's a journalist. And he's 22. I'm not one to jump at chances at meeting people I know off the internet, but this was special. We had been writing each other back and forth for the past 3 years maybe, on and off. It was so interesting being in contact with someone that was just beyond the border. He told me of his life, of the brother he lost, of having to work as a child to provide for the rest of the family, of having to still provide for them, of having his house brought down, and of losing everything he owned in the process. His dad is a war prisoner. His brother a shaheed. Every member of his family injured one way or another. He told me of how everybody in Palestine knows of a shaheed. Its either a brother, or a dad, or a neighbor, or a cousin, or a husband...

Anyhow, I talked it over with my parents. They were worried of course. Telling me that "2amn dawla" (national security) will probably register my name. I didn't care. M was in the neighborhood, and I was going to be a gracious hostess. I dragged my brother into the outings, but I think it did him some good anyhow.

When I first met him, we were both shy, but somehow the words started flowing. I have never at any other time realized how oblivious I was to the blessings I have. We were sitting by the Nile, and he was scared of the helicopters and planes passing overhead. This is something that I automatically phase out, yet it terrifies him. Imagine that no plane flies overhead, unless its carrying bombs, and it just might hit your area. Afterwards, as we were driving, he mentioned that one thing he's envious about from our country were the roads... the ROADS!!! Did you ever think that the fact that we have paved roads is a blessing??? Well, that day I definitely thought that. I took him to the Sakia for "The Dervishes of Cairo". You know, Egyptian folklore, with the men dressed in those huge skirts and spin around to the national folk music. I had a good time, but he was speechless afterwards. He could not imagine that there are people who have the time to go to concerts and plays and just enjoy themselves. He said that he had the time of his life. In Palestine, he siad, I don't have time to myself. Running from one place to the other to capture the story. Its not the case with all Palestinians, but that was the case with him.

He was supposed to leave to Rafah the next day, but the border closed down and he had to wait a few more days. He was missing his family. One of his brothers got injured (a bullet hit one of his eyes, and they couldn't save it). And he was stuck here. So what do I do? I take him bowling. He never tried it before and I thought this was a good chance as any. We picked him up, had a round of bowling, picked up sodas afterwards and that was the last time I saw him. I remember watching him walking to the hotel, and thinking "there goes my friend who will change the world".

He waited for the border to open again for a few more days. Finally it did, just in time for him to spend the Eid with his family. He met with various members from different organizations who all wanted him to come speak and tell his story and that of the Palestinian people.

I was struck by how little we know of our neighbors' lives. How we are so close and yet lead very different lives. I could not, since then, get myself to erase the smses he sent me. We talk on the phone still, maybe once every other week. I wish he'd come to Cairo again.

About Mohammed Omer El Moghayyer: He's a Palestinian of 22. He has not seen his dad for the past ten years, and since then he has been the sole provider for the family. He has studied the Egyptian curriculum in school, as Palestine uses our textbooks for the school levels. He had to work to bring in income, so he became a translator for international press. He has met Rachel Correy in person (warning: graphic pictures, but they're all real and you should be able to handle it). Since then, he took up writing his own reports and hundreds of international press publishes them. He has recently had a speaking tour in the States (which is why he passed by Egypt trying to get into Palestine and that is how we met).

This is his website: http://rafah.virtualactivism.net/news/todaymain.htm

He called me up today to tell me that he was on tv, and he was hoping tht his friend would watch. His friend did watch, and she was so proud of him. I just know that one day, I would look at him on tv, with my friends sitting next to me and I would tell them all, "you see that man, he's my friend, and he will change the world". I don't think I'd be more proud at any other moment!

I am blessed. I am proud that he calls me his friend.

Hunnybunch no more.

2007-04-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

SO, I'm crushing on all the wrong people.

For the past year, I've had this feeling that I'm ready. Ready to be in a relationship. Ready to love. Ready to allow someone to love me. I think that was my main problem. I wasn't.

Ever since Y, I've blocked everybody from my life. I didn't think I could go through with anything else. I would think that I could be with someone again, and a couple of people were ready to be mine, if only I could be theirs. But as soon as we got close, close enough for all the gushy feelings to come pouring out, I back out. I get all tense and I block the poor guy. I'm not sure whether it was that I just wasn't over Y, or whether it was a fear of commitment, or whether I just didn't love the other person.

For about a year after I left Y, I stayed at home. I declined outings cuz maybe, just maybe, there was the slightest chance that I would bump into him. And when I would get ready to go out, I would think about what I would wear a thousand times, cuz maybe, just maybe there's a slight chance Y would see me. I used to tell everyone that I'm okay. That my heart isn't aching inside of me. That I was definitely over Y. Old news people. But that wasn't the case. I was only kidding myself. Dammit, I still take a look at myself before leaving the house, thinking,"do I look nice in this, would Y like it?"

For 2 years Y and I went out. We went through a lot together. He was my "hunnybunch" and I was his. We went through a really rough time. We started out by him expecting more than I was willing to give, but I surrendered. I finally gave in. I was willing to give my all just to make him happy. But then, the tables turned around. I was expecting more than he was willing to give at the time.

I broke it off. But, I broke my heart doing it. I did love him. But I grew up. And I realized that he wasn't making me happy. And if that was the case now, how are we supposed to live happily ever after? I don't regret leaving. Never did. But I have this yearning for the happiness feeling we used to have sometimes. Rare moments, but we definitely had some.

So, going back to where I started. I am not going to kid myself any longer. I have had the tendency for the past 3 years to crush on all the wrong guys. Married guys. Guys who are totally not an option. Guys who I would not normally like. But I'm not sure how to get myself to start liking the right sort of guys.

Does this mean that I will always be haunted by a memory and not go on with my life? Will I always fall for the wrong sort, cuz I know its hopeless? Will I always be alone?

Fayoum

2007-04-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to Fayoum. It's about an hour outside of Cairo, and to me it was definitely heaven. As soon as you're close enough, there are farmlands as far as the eye can see. It amazes me how much Egypt has to offer, if only you take a moment and actually "see".

It was so amazing the history this place has to offer. There are whole cities, ruins, thousands of years old. But the infrastructure is unbelievable. One of which is Qasr Karoun (or Karoun Palace). It was my first time there, and from the outside it looks like a huge (and I mean HUGE) block of stone. The edges are roman types, and there are no windows or doors (except the main door) that it looks claustrophobic. As you walk closer, you have to be in awe of the huge building. When you step inside the door, you are struck with how cool it is inside. It feels like there's a nice draft blowing against your face, but not too much that it bothers you, much like one of those new very silent ACs. When you walk in, you are also struck by how huge it is from inside. Sadly, there are little remaining writings and drawings on the wall. Its hard to imagine, but there are so many rooms inside, and they all have sunlight poring through, given that there's no windows, its amazing how they designed this place. On either side, of the ground floor, there are stairs going up. As you go up, you see a bunch of rooms, and then when you reach the very top, you find yourself on the roof of this huge block. The roof has its own number of rooms, and also a terrace overlooking the ruins of the city below. In the distance you can see the farmlands, and the Karoun Lake, which was one day right at the doorstep of this magnificent place.

Another thing that left me in awe was the water systems. Its been designed years and years ago, and it still effective to this day. The water system is so detailed, and so precise, that you can tell that each drop of water going through the channels is flowing to its destined place. Then, all the water that has been used already in the farms, goes all the way to Wadi El Rayyan. A man made lake, made specially to capture all the excess water. Amazing.

We were quite rushed that weekend to squeeze in all the places we were supposed to see. I can't wait to go there again. Maybe with friends, and move at our own pace, but its definitely on my list.

the famous Fayoum water wheels

My First Blog... hmmm.

2007-04-06T15:47:00.000-07:00

So, I am finally entering the world of blogging. I'm not sure why I've been putting this off for so long.

I used to write alot when I was younger... During those teenage years, when everything used to feel like such a major deal. Now, life's been, I dunno, easier. Its not that issues are less, but I don't seem to dwell on everything as much.

Anyhow, I think thats it for now. I'm having a bit of stage fright for some reason. I'll get over it.

Nighty night world.